"That's Not Food!"

If you've been following my blog closely, which I know you have, you may remember that Andy likes to hear the adventures of Andy Lion and Alex Lion every night before he goes to sleep.  Somewhere along the line, at the request of Andy Lion, I introduced a new character- the big baboon.  The big baboon does not have a first name, but I believe that he is Andy's favorite character, for if I try to tell a story that does not involve the big baboon, Andy interrupts me quite rudely to remind me to insert him into the plot. This is for you, Andy, for when you are much older.  This is the story that I tell you every night. Andy Lion and Alex Lion were two little lions that lived in a cave at the zoo.  One day, the big baboon came over to the cave.  He did not knock at the cave door or ring the cave doorbell.  He knew that if he were to ring the doorbell, the Lion family would ignore the bell and just assume it was another birdbrain from AT&T trying to s...

If your child has a cold, the anesthesiologist will not want to administer the anesthesia.  Someone should tell you this in advance of your son's surgery.  They should say, "Oh, hey, just so you know, if your child is coughing and has a runny nose, don't bother showing up, registering, signing all the paperwork, sitting in two different waiting rooms, having your son undressed and redressed in the hospital gown and hospital socks, and having him hooked up to the heart monitor.  Don't bother having the surgeon change into his special surgeon clothes and mark up his butt and penis with a purple pen whose ink shall not wash off for two days.  Don't bother starving your child for six hours prior to surgery, waking him up at one thirty in the morning for a night bottle that will only confuse him and disrupt his normal sleep schedule.  Don't bother spending a sleepless night worrying about the impending surgery, because it ain't going to happen.  Oh, were you goi...

"I'm getting big," Andy likes to tell anyone who will listen.  Everyone's always commenting on how big Alex is getting, and Andy either believes they are talking about him or knows that they are talking about Alex and wants to assert his growing place in the universe as well.  "I'm getting big," Andy says, "Big like Mommy." The truth is, Andy is not getting big.  He is getting slimmer.  He has lost all of his baby fat and is becoming lean and child-like.  He is a little man, suddenly.  You can converse with Andy, who is quick to start conversations by inquiring, "What are you doing?"  or "What are you making?"  In the car, he will loudly tell you that you passed the library or that you need to turn a certain way to get to preschool or ask if you need gas if he spots a gas station.  He likes to ask, "Are we there yet?" and I am seriously going to strangle the person or TV show or book that taught him that questi...

If you should ever babysit Andy, and if Andy should ever use the potty while on your watch, I'm telling you right now:  Let Andy flush the toilet when he's done.  If you flush the toilet for Andy, he will lose his shit (I mean that on two levels because I'm a great writer!) and you're going to have a meltdown on your hands. Today, I flushed the toilet for Andy.  Even though I knew better.  I can't help it; I see a toilet that needs to be flushed, and I just do it.  I take care of business; that's the kind of pro-active go-get-'em-ness that once made me a success in business.  In this situation, however, it was clearly a mistake, an overstep.  Andy immediately started crying, sobbing, "Mommy flushed my poo poo!" He was inconsolable, and I was at my wit's end.  The Hamburger Helper was almost ready, and I had only minutes to get this resolved.  I apologized.  I said, "Andy, I'm sorry."  And then I said, "Andy, do you want to ...