"That's Not Food!"

We went to the jelly bean factory this past Sunday, which sounds like the perfect set up for a Dora the Explorer episode.  "To get to the Jelly Bean Factory, first we must drive through the Gum Drop Ghetto to the Magical Highway and on to the Pleasant Prairie, where we'll find the Jelly Bean Factory!"  In this episode, Swiper the Fox would toss our car keys into the dumpster behind the Ross Dress For Less in Gurnee and the character Tico would explain exactly what he is. I just Googled it.  He's a squirrel.  Never would have guessed. Anyway, we chose the free Jelly Bean Factory tour as our fun family outing because it's free and it's a factory.  Oh, wait.  It's not a factory, it's just a warehouse.  Oh, wait.  Warehouses aren't nearly as exciting as factories.  And, oh wait.  The "fun train ride" through the warehouse stops every five feet at a different television to show a series of incredibly boring videos about jelly beans. ...

Lately, whenever Andy starts getting angry or frustrated, he sets his face in a scowl and declares, "I'm mean!"  He will then follow this proclamation up with a mean act, such as shoving, pushing, violently dumping half a gallon of water onto the floor, or hurtfully stating, "I don't like Mommy.  I want a new Mommy named Jackie. I want another Jackie."  This last statement occurred a week ago in the car, and he spied another dark haired, vaguely half-Italian woman in an SUV driving next to us.  "Stop the car," he yelled.  "I want that Jackie!"  I tried to explain that the odds of that woman also being named Jackie were pretty slim.  Perhaps she was a Jacquie.** Today, I had to scold Andy for standing on two chairs, one foot precariously perched on the edge of each chair as he tottered backwards towards a future consisting of a cracked skull followed by a lovingly administered beating.  We had been having fun until Andy decided to take i...

Waiting room baby. You should see Alex's penis.  I would take a picture of it for posterity, but it would probably end up on Facebook, and then DCFS would be knocking on my door wondering exactly what kind of operation I'm running over here.  He finally had his surgeries:  anal fistula excision and circumcision revision. With the anal fistula, you can hardly tell anything was done.  With the circumcision revision- well, I guess I wasn't prepared for all of the stitches around the tip of his ding dong.  It looks like little Alex was in some terrible crotch related accident.  Like his original penis got stuck in a blender while we were pantslessly making smoothies, and the doctor had to sew on a new one.  This is one of those times I'm grateful that the kid's not in day care.  I have a feeling all of the day care ladies would be gathered around him during diaper change time murmuring to themselves, "Well, this can't possibly be right." The d...