"That's Not Food!"

Andy really enjoys staring out the car window and telling me what the clouds look like.  "I see a big gorilla," he said this morning.  "Next to a fishy!"  I have never once suggested to young Andy- who is not yet three- that sometimes clouds can look like different things.  His cloud-gazing is all his own, and I personally can't help but think that this is a tremendous demonstration of how creative and smart he is.  He's still two!  And he uses imagination to visualize things in other things!  I know plenty of adults who are incapable of that. I am so proud of Andy and consider him to be very intelligent.  Sometimes, though, I wonder if maybe I would feel this way even if he were a complete dumb ass.  Are there any parents who look down at their young children and honestly think to themselves, "This kid is a total moron."  I have yet to meet a mom who vocalizes this sentiment, but I think it would be reassuring if I did.  This mom...

Alex is a year old.  Yesterday was his birthday, and we celebrated by going to Santa's Village, where Andy rode a ton of rides and had a blast and Alex mostly glumly stared out from his vantage points in either the stroller or one of our arms.  Sorry, kid.  One is not a ton of fun.  You're not old enough to get it.  Now wait until next year, my sweet little boy.  Next year, you will love your birthday. The first birthday is more about the mom anyway.  It's a day of reflection, and I found myself looking at the clock through-out the day thinking- this is when we left for the hospital, this is when I had my epidural, this is when the doctor came, this is when you were actually born, this is when I held you.  This is when I finally had my grilled cheese sandwich delivered from the slowest hospital cafeteria ever.  This is when Andy first peered at you.  This is when our lives changed forever, when Chris and I went from being two idiots wi...

My friend Brian boisterously approaches the lunch table with two cups in hand, calling out, "Who wants chocolate milk?" "Me," says his first son. "Me," says his second son. "Me," says my son, for whom I did not purchase chocolate milk but only offered a cup of iceless tap water.  Abruptly, Andy realizes that the chances are decent that the chocolate milk is not for him.  He turns to me accusingly and pleads, "I want chocolate miiiiiiiiiilk!!!!!" I go back up to the line to order Andy a chocolate milk.  I have acquiesced to the fact that, when on a play date, Andy shall receive what the other kids receive, from a harmless chocolate milk to that one time when he somehow ended up with a handgun license and a DVD of "Eyes Wide Shut." These are the rules of the play date.  For three hours, you get to be like every other kid.  Then it's home, where you're back to getting nothing.  Or the generic, dollar store equi...

It's been about a year since I left my job to stay at home with the kids.  I don't know which label currently suits me.  Unemployed?  No, that makes it sound like I was fired or otherwise terminated.  Jobless?  The same as the first, only somehow a little worse.  Am I a "housewife?"  Good heavens, could there be a frumpier word in the English language?  Have you conjured up a picture of me that includes ratty slippers, pink curlers, and a house dress?  Do they still sell "house dresses" these days?  Or are we a modern society that has officially shifted from "house dress" to "yoga pants?"  Anyway, what does that leave me with?  Am I a Stay At Home Mom?  Well, considering my number one parenting advice- always, and I mean always, leave the house- that one's not entirely accurate either. In the past year, I can only think of about five days that I didn't take these kids somewhere in the morning.  You have to leave...

On our trip to the Wisconsin Dells, Andy went down the orange, tubular waterslide at the resort.  Chris slid down first and was horrified to discover how pitch black it was inside the tube.  I believe he described it using the phrase "watery grave."  By the time he emerged, though, the events were already in motion.  Andy was in the slide, and he splashed out into the four foot pool a few seconds later, feet first and face down.  Although clearly shaken, Andy managed to hold back his tears as Chris gathered him up.  A few moments later, he was able to describe the slide as follows: "It was very dark.  Daddy!  Daddy!  Daddy!  Then, deep in the water." That was the only slide that gave Andy pause, though.  He went down the two tall, looping green slides (the ones that were not enclosed and black as night), the slightly smaller kiddie slides, and then got happily washed to shore by the wave pool.  He got joyfully knocked over ...