Monday, February 11, 2013

The iPad!

We bought an iPad after Christmas, despite Chris' years and years of denouncing anything Apple.  I vaguely remember Chris stealing my iPod in the night a couple years ago and scratching out the Apple logo on the back with an Exacto knife, which might raise the question:  How does a grown man have enough time on his hands to devote that much detail and effort just to make a statement for only his wife to see?  Well, the answer to that particular riddle is that was during the period in which we had no children.  Now we have two children, and poor Chris can't find enough time in the day to search for matching socks, much less destroy one of my possessions.

Anyway, Chris wanted to get an iPad because of the gaming possibilities.  What he didn't realize was that he would NEVER get to use the iPad, because once Andy got a hold of it- well, it quickly became his new favorite toy.  Andy could spend hours on the iPad putting together animal puzzles or playing bus related games.  He's quite good at navigating through the apps and needs no assistance.  If Andy sees either Chris or me attempting to use the iPad, he quickly runs over and yells, "I want to use iPad!" while reaching over to the screen and randomly swiping objects, just to be a jerk.  "No, Andy," I have to yell at him, "I'm in the middle of swapping jewels- THOSE ARE NOT THE JEWELS I WANTED TO BE SWAPPED!"

It's getting to the point where, if Chris or I want to use the iPad, we have to lock ourselves in the fortress of solitude, i.e., the bathroom, in order to get in a little play time.  Of course, this only works for about two minutes since Andy is incapable of letting anyone use the potty without wanting to join in, but since one level of Jewel Mania takes only about a hundred seconds, this is mostly okay.  What has my life come to that I have to sit on the floor next to the toilet in order to try to advance from level 67 to 68?  I should be able to do this in my own living room, while the TV blares my own favorite television show, as opposed to Monkey George, which is Andy's new favorite cartoon obsession.

Sometimes I try to use the iPad when Andy is at school and it's just me and Alex.  Somehow, seven and a half month old Alex is even worse than Andy.  While Andy begs to use the iPad and randomly swipes his grubby fingers while I'm in the middle of something, Alex, who cannot yet speak, will just scream and then plant his entire, slobbery face right in the middle of the screen.  Everybody wants in on the iPad action, it seems.  Five hundred dollars, and it's just another chew toy for the baby and a set of puzzles for the toddler.

Of course, if Andy and Alex are both awake and Alex gets to the iPad first, I have to hear Andy yell, "NO OLLIS (Alex) DON'T EAT THE IPAD!"  A mini-fight ensues between the two boys with Andy yelling and pushing the baby while Alex tries to retaliate with the only weapon he has, his wet little tongue and two sharp teeth nubs.

Which brings me to my next topic:  if Alex learns to speak English from Andy, here are the phrases my beautiful boy will begin spouting:

NO DON'T EAT THAT!

NOT NICE!

I DON'T LIKE NAPS!

STOP IT, OLLIS!

NO, I WANT CAKE.

At least Alex will get the picture sooner rather than later that my name is Mommy, since that's the word Andy uses most.  As in,

MOMMY, OLLIS EAT THAT!

MOMMY, OLLIS NOT NICE!

MOMMY, I DON'T LIKE NAPS.

MOMMY, TELL OLLIS TO STOP THAT!

MOMMY, I WANT CAKE.

Also:

MOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU??????

MOMMY, I HAVE POO-POOS.

And, a new favorite around here,

I DON'T LIKE MOMMY.

Wow, Andy.  You don't like Mommy, huh?  Well, let me just say, you do NOT want to cross Mommy.  If you don't have Mommy, you don't have anything.  Because I'm the one who lets you use the iPad, even when Daddy says no, you've been using it enough.  I'm the one who bribes you with cookies.  I'm the one who lets you do pretty much anything you want to do in exchange for taking one bite of protein and/or a vegetable.  I'm the one who buys you toys for no other reason than the vague promise of perhaps ten minutes of having you occupied.  So, you'd better rethink that statement, Andy.  Trust me, you want to stay on my good side.

Now take the iPad and leave me alone.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jackie! I was poking through my old blogger blogs and came across your profile. Thought I'd stop in and say hello. Looks like you've been busy...I have two kiddos of my own now too, a few months behind yours. We have the same ipad problem in our house. it's full of toddler apps and constantly covered in something sticky. I'm actually considering buying a second just so I can have a turn once in a while. I have a blog on Wordpress at http://thentherewasyou.wordpress.com feel free to stop by if you want to check it out. Say hi to Chris for me.

    ReplyDelete