|Remember this awful boy from "A Christmas Story?"|
He haunts my dreams.
To be fair, I've seen these boys before, and last year they were throwing snowballs at passing cars, which also deeply irritated me. So, when I saw these boys sawing down the tree, it just added to my list of reasons why I did not like them. There you have it. Two pretty decent reasons.
Potentially, this is a problem, as I have two young boys. I am constantly looking at boys in the 8 to 12 range and just thinking pretty hateful thoughts. I see them bullying at the park. I hear their awful dares and stupid ideas. Their looks of mischief do not delight me but instead inflame me. I look at 8 to 12 year old girls, however, and think, "What lovely children." Because it seems that whenever I see young ladies, they're doing something nice, such as reading or in some way assisting the elderly.
How will I handle my own boys once they become assholes throwing snowballs at passing cars and chopping down trees with what I can only assume is a stolen saw? Of course I will love them, but how much will I like them? Fortunately, a couple things give me solace.
One. TEENAGE boys don't irritate me as much as TEENAGE girls. A group of teenage girls is far more annoying and distasteful than a group of teenage boys. I think it's the clothing and all of those insipid hearts over their i's. So, if anything, those annoying years will just be a hump of sorts.
Two. I clearly remember being around a friend's toddler when Andy was just an infant thinking THIS KID IS AWFUL, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN ANDY IS THAT AGE AND I START TO LOATHE HIM? Obviously, my love (and like) only grew, even during the toddler years. So hopefully it's the same for the grade school years. Fingers crossed!
Three. My boys aren't going to throw snowballs at cars or hack down trees. They're not going to be as deeply annoying as other kids in that age group because I'm an excellent mother who's going to somehow find a way to raise them in a bubble and suppress all their natural boyish urges. That sounds healthy, right?
Four. Other people's children are just more annoying than one's own children. This is a fact I know to be true and almost any mother will agree with that statement, except for a couple women I know who have TRULY annoying children.
Five. That's still some time away. I still have time with my little boys as they are now: sweet, thoughtful, loving, kind. Sometimes a little awful, but really only just sometimes.
It's true, these are the years I would like to bottle up. Andy who proudly gives me a beaded necklace he made for me at school and makes me promise to always wear it. Alex who comes barreling out of his preschool class into my arms (knocking his cranium against me) in pure delight just to see me. I see these older boys, and I cringe, because they don't match up with the little guys I have at home, in my house, sitting next to me on the couch, cuddling up to Mommy to the tenth degree.
But of course they do match up. I just haven't made the connection because I'm not there yet.
Regardless, please let my two boys be less deeply annoying than other boys I see. Let my gender bias be proven wrong somehow. Truly, let it be that ALL grade school kids, boys or girls, are just equally awful. But, for real, let teenage boys be easier to be around than teenage girls.