The Blame Game!

Sometimes Alex is the instigator, pushing or biting Andy and acting as the start button to their noisy squabbles.  Even during these times, I find myself yelling at Andy and telling him to knock it off.  "But Alex was biting me!" Andy might protest, to which I will inevitably dismiss Alex's actions with a "But he's just a baby" or "He didn't mean it" or "It's okay, he's super cute" or "I'm sure on some level you definitely deserved it."

I heard my voice echoing against the walls the other day after a raucous began by Alex destroying a block tower Andy had been quietly constructing.  Alex destroyed the tower, Andy got upset, Alex threw a block at Andy, and then Andy pushed Alex down and Alex bumped his head..  They were both crying, and I yelled at Andy after inspecting Alex's head.  "Andy," I yelled, "I don't care who started it, if Alex ever gets hurt EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIM, I'm blaming YOU.  You're the big brother, you have to be nicer.  Now go take a time out."

Sobbing, Andy headed off while I comforted my youngest and suddenly I felt like kind of an ass.

At some point, I have to start holding Alex accountable for his actions and stop treating Andy like he's the big boy who should know better.  I can't help thinking back to my own childhood, though.  As an older sister, it was true:  If M. ever got hurt, it actually usually was my fault.  My brilliant idea to hook our bikes up together with a jump rope and then rapidly pedal us down the block while she got dragged behind me entangled in what amounted to a heap of bicycle and a noose.  My very similar yet also brilliant idea to tie a different jump rope around my bike and pull her down the block while she wore roller skates.  So many days of our childhood revolved around me trying to bandage up her skinned knees while simultaneously trying to console and threaten her.  Don't tell Mom, I'd hiss in a panic,  Stop crying already!   A couple months ago, I remarked to M. about how much Andy and Alex fought.  "Did we ever fight like that?" I mused aloud while experiencing a convenient bout of memory loss.  M. replied, "Um, YEAH.  Jackie, you were MEAN to me."

"Oh.  Sorry about that."

It's all his fault.

So, if it's true that the older sibling is naturally to blame for the little one getting hurt, then am I not correct to just immediately scold and punish Andy whenever I hear Alex's wails?

Actually, in this case, I think I may be incorrect.  I know, even a working clock can be wrong twice a day. Wait, is that not how the saying goes?

Yesterday, I heard a tremendous crash and Alex's cries.  "Andy!"  I yelled, barely looking up.  "Stop that!"

"I'm not doing anything,"  Andy replied, sounding confused.  I did actually look up then, tearing my eyes away from the Jewel ad that I had been closely inspecting.  Sure, it sounds good that it's Buy One Get One on pork, but why not tell me how much the pork actually costs per pound?

Andy was playing nicely by himself and Alex was standing in the middle of a huge mess he had created. Alex looked up at me at that same moment and, flashing me a devious little smile, picked up a toy truck and threw it right at the wall.

This is interesting, I thought to myself.  "Sorry, Andy, " I murmured aloud.  And then I walked over to Alex, pried his wet little fists from a second truck he was getting ready to toss, and started to clean up Alex's mess while Alex wandered over and casually bit Andy on the arm.

Perhaps it's time for me to start being a little harder on the baby.  Especially because when Andy was Alex's age, we were already doing time-outs and I had mentally graduated Andy to Big Boy as I was at that point pregnant with the person who would replace Andy as the baby.  I think, in many ways, I pushed Andy out of babyhood a little faster than Alex is getting pushed out.  I needed Andy to grow up faster.  But I want Alex to stay little forever.  I either have to accept that Alex is a toddler capable of being responsible for actions and/or keep having babies so that my children can be pushed into the next cycle of their lives.  And I'm pretty sure Chris is not on board with the Endless Baby Factory method of parenting.  I mean, neither am I. I suppose.

So, Andy, if you are reading this as an adult, I'm sorry for blaming you all the time during this period of your life.  Alex, if you are reading this as an adult, let me just say how thrilled I am that you turned out literate, because I'm pretty sure I'm not reading to you as much as I should be.