Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions!

Andy and Alex know that I existed before they did.  They (or at least Andy) is clear on that much.  I have told them the stories of how they were born.  Mommy had a baby in her belly, and one day she went to the hospital, and the doctor took the baby out.  The baby cried and cried until Mommy got to hold the baby. Then the baby stopped crying, and Mommy looked down and said, "I love this baby soo much! I'm going to name this baby Andy/Alex."  A couple times, Andy has asked, "But how did the doctor get the baby out?"  To which I smartly replied, "I don't know, Andy.  You'll have to ask a doctor."

I anticipate more questions about my pre-parenthood life as the kids grow up. Just for fun, here are some answers that I've decided to pre-record.

How did you and Daddy meet?

Well, Andy and Alex, when a girl reaches the ripe old age of 22 and starts to get worried about her declining youth and fertility, she finds herself turning to the solace of the internet to find a mate.  First she buys a lamp on eBay, then she looks for a man.  She can keep the eBay window minimized while she surfs potential husbands.  Daddy and I met online.  I was looking at profiles, and I immediately liked Daddy's.  We had the same favorite movie, The Big Lebowski, and, if I'm being honest, that was a huge deciding factor.  We exchanged emails and eventually met for sushi.  I knew right away that we would fall in love.  Daddy had an excellent sense of humor.  Always date and marry people who can make you laugh.  Also, it helps if they're rich.  Daddy wasn't, but hopefully he's making excellent choices with his 401K.

What was your first job?

Oh my God, it was the worst first job.  I worked at the McDonald's Playplace as a Playplace Ranger.  That title doesn't even exist anymore because it was a stupid, pointless job.  That's 1996 for you, though- what a thriving economy.  They were giving the money away!  I supervised kids in the Playplace section of the McDonalds.  I occasionally cleaned up a little.  One time, something terrible happened in one of the tunnels, and I had to clean up pee, poop, AND vomit.  It was awful.  I eventually switched over to the McDonald's counter where I did a lot more work for the same pay but didn't have to deal with AS MANY bodily fluids.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

A writer.  I always wanted to be a writer.  Not a blog writer, but a novelist.  I wanted to be a writer so bad it made my fingers twitch when I wasn't typing away on the cheap little word processor I had in my bedroom.  I used to write down names and places and ideas and potential titles.  Yes, I still want to be a writer, but I haven't written anything besides blog entries in over a decade.  It might be too late for me.  Oh, also, I thought forensics sounded cool.  And by the time I graduated college, I decided that a two year training program in something like X-Ray Technology probably would have been the smartest career path of all. Stupid, useless liberal arts degree.

Did you ever get an F in school?

I spectacularly failed Calculus.  I don't know why I just didn't drop the class, but I kept going and all I did was sleep and doodle in my notebook while trying to fake a "thoughtful" look.  I hated math.  They kept putting me in the advanced math classes, and I never felt like I had proper footing.  Finally, by the time I was a senior in high school, I gave up all pretenses.  So, yes, I did get an F.  But just that one.

This 17 year old girl is about to fail Calculus.

Did you always know you wanted kids?

Eh.  Not really.  I never really baby-sat as a teenager, and the couple times I did, I had to restrain myself from beating those little brats.  So, no, I did not have this overwhelming urge to procreate until very abruptly when I was twenty-nine.  My friend Gail recently put it best.  "Jackie is very good with her boys," she told her mother-in-law,  "Which I find surprising, because I never thought she'd have the patience for motherhood."  I LOVE being a mother.  It is the best, most wonderful thing I have done with my life.  But, yes, the unequivocal amount of joy it has given me has been slightly surprising.

What kind of extracurricular activities did you participate in as a child?

None.  Zero.  Zip.  I was in a play once because my friend Dan took pity on me and gave me a small part when he was student director.  I went to one yearbook meeting.  Not interested.  I wrote one article for the school paper.  Not so much interested in that, either.  I didn't like sports.  I never learned to play an instrument.  I think I did literary magazine in junior high, but that was more of an opportunity for me and my friend Chrissy to goof around and delay going home after school.  Oh, but I did take Driver's Ed.  That counts, right?  And, yes, as the IL DMV can attest, I am a superb driver! (Class D restrictions, 20/40 vision).