Happy New Year!

If I hear one more person call out, "See you next year!" and chuckle like it's the most original thing they've said in weeks, someone's getting punched in the face. But not by me, my fists are small and weak, like the paws of a handicapped kitten.

That might be the kind of thing little Andy will find funny in a couple years (kids have such unsophisticated senses of humor), but it's wearing on me a little thin.

With the calendar flipping to 2012 in about 36 hours, I thought this would be a good time to discuss some of Andy's resolutions for the new year. I could write out my own resolutions, but who's really interested in hearing me talk about my fiber needs or the intimate details of my checking account? Everyone, that's who. But this blog isn't supposed to necessarily be about me. I'm just a supporting character here, the teller of tales revolving around a toddler who would gladly drink from the toilet if only we would just allow him his happiness. And around a fetus who about a week ago formed the ability to pee. Someone is peeing inside me. Probably taking a whiz now. Go ahead, think about THAT for a few minutes.

Anyway, Andy has a lot of resolutions for the upcoming year. Here are a few.

Potty train. Seriously, this kid has to be house-broken, er, potty-trained, before this new baby gets here. This is number one priority. I hardly know any people with kids (especially boys) who have managed to potty train before the age of 3, but that's not going to stop me from trying my hardest. I know it's doable, it's just going to be difficult. But I'm totally willing to have the weekend from hell, with poo stains on the floor and whatnot (probably won't have have any guests that week), if it means that Andy can go on the toilet and that I'm only buying one set of diapers after the new baby arrives.

Be a good big brother. I am hoping that Andy takes a sort of proud ownership of his new sibling and sees little sis or bro as "his" to love and help watch over. I'm a little wary of pending sibling rivalry, but hopefully spending time in day care with the other babies will at least have helped prepare Andy for a baby of his own. When I think of introducing the baby to Andy, though, the first thing I picture is him shoving a handful of raisins into the newborn's mouth. This image of course alarms me... but I guess it's also kind of nice that, in this scenario, Andy is at least interested in satisfying the baby's hunger with an iron-rich dried fruit.

Be okay with tooth brushing. Jeez. Trying to brush this kid's teeth is an exercise in futility. All I ever manage to get is his tongue. His baby teeth are going to rot out of his mouth before he's two, and then what? Baby dentures until the other ones come in? Andy removing his dentures every night and keeping them in a glass by his crib? Okay, this is sounding pretty hilarious. But maybe a little costly. How much do you think baby dentures go for these days?

Play with toys. Andy, toys are awesome. They are seriously the best. So start playing with them already. All this kid wants to do is pull things out of the pantry, eat napkins, do a little light cleaning, and drag around empty boxes. Come on. Let's get playing already.

Get in a dancing competition. Have you seen Andy dance? He's got the moves, and his sweet back and forth head bob and hip sway would probably get him pretty far in a contest (televised, of course). Plus, who wouldn't cast their vote for a toddler? You'd have to be a monster not to give Andy your vote.

Learn the following sentences. "I love you, Mommy." "Here, let me help you with that." "Oh, are you looking for something that I hid? Let me tell you where it is." "I could really go for a three hour nap right about now." "Football's on TV? Eh, let's go the library instead." "You could really use a break, Mom. I'll go scream in Daddy's face for a while."

Happy new year, everyone. See you next... time.