The Big Baboon!

If you've been following my blog closely, which I know you have, you may remember that Andy likes to hear the adventures of Andy Lion and Alex Lion every night before he goes to sleep.  Somewhere along the line, at the request of Andy Lion, I introduced a new character- the big baboon.  The big baboon does not have a first name, but I believe that he is Andy's favorite character, for if I try to tell a story that does not involve the big baboon, Andy interrupts me quite rudely to remind me to insert him into the plot.

This is for you, Andy, for when you are much older.  This is the story that I tell you every night.




Andy Lion and Alex Lion were two little lions that lived in a cave at the zoo.  One day, the big baboon came over to the cave.  He did not knock at the cave door or ring the cave doorbell.  He knew that if he were to ring the doorbell, the Lion family would ignore the bell and just assume it was another birdbrain from AT&T trying to sell them something.  So, instead, he huffed and he puffed and he blew the cave down.  The cave came crashing to the ground in a great pile of cave rubble, and Andy Lion came running to what used to be the cave entrance, with his little brother Alex Lion crawling rapidly behind him.

"Hey!"  Andy Lion called out to the big baboon, who was rearing back to give another mighty blow.  He looked around at what used to be his cave, and he was very sad.  "You blew down my cave!  All of my toys were in there!  All of my food and my TV and my bath tub and my bed were in there!  Why did you blow down my cave?  That was so mean and awful!"  He shook a lion paw at the big baboon and said, "You should really get a time out for this.  How old are you?  Around here, we multiply our age by the number of minutes and- well, it's kind of a tricky formula."

The big baboon looked around at what used to be the lion cave and became instantly sorrowful.  "I'm sorry," he said to Andy Lion and Alex Lion, hanging his big, dumb baboon head in shame.  "I don't know why I did that.  See, I'm a sad baboon, and sometimes being sad makes me do mean things.  I don't have any friends.  I don't know how to act."

Andy Lion, who had a very big heart, decided to forgive him, even though his entire cave home had basically just been annihilated, including every last Cheez-It in the Lion pantry.  "Don't be sad.  You have friends," he said to the baboon.  "You have me!  I'm your friend.  And Alex is your friend, too!"

The big baboon smiled a glorious big baboon smile.  "Really?"  he said.  "Will you really be my friend?  Well, that's just wonderful.  Tell you what.  I will help you rebuild your cave.  Let me go get my tools.  It's a good thing I have opposable thumbs.  Be right back!"

The big baboon ran off while Andy Lion and Alex Lion played a rousing game of Peek-a-Boo and waited.  After a short while, he returned with his tools:  a hammer, some wood, a couple nails, and a screwdriver.  With these few tools, and a complete disregard for basic cave architecture, the three new friends rebuilt the lion cave in a jiffy.  Before they knew it, the lion cave was even bigger and better than before.  It had a separate formal dining room!  And a basement!  And the tax base was somehow magically lower, as well!

After the cave was finished, Andy Lion and Alex Lion invited the baboon inside to watch fifteen straight episodes of Dora the Explorer and Caillou, which in this fantastical zoo have been combined into one super amazing TV show about an uppity chick with a monkey and her whiny Canadian sidekick.  It was then that Mommy Lion returned home from a long day doing important Mommy chores, such as buying Lion Wine.  "What the!"  Mommy Lion exclaimed, confused.  "Why does my cave look so different?  What happened?  I love this new couch!"

"The big baboon came and blew our cave down," Andy Lion explained.  "This is the big baboon."


The big baboon interjected, "'Sup."

"But then we all became friends," Andy Lion continued, "And he helped rebuild our cave.  He made it even better!  Isn't that great?"

"Sure, whatever," Mommy Lion replied.  "Hey, who wants pizza?"  Then Mommy Lion ordered a large pizza, and after Daddy Lion came home from his job of programming Lion computers (difficult without the opposable thumbs), the  Lion family- Mommy, Daddy, Andy, and Alex- sat down for a super fun pizza party with their new friend, the big baboon, who was now so very happy and nice and completely cured from his desires to ruin other animals' lives and homes.  And Andy Lion had learned a very important lesson: to always treat other animals with kindness, even if they were total jerks with no obvious redeemable qualities other than their astonishing craftsmanship regarding caves.

The End.