Sunday, April 12, 2015

Donut Time!

Wal-mart sells donuts.  They're pretty good, and they're only 54 cents.  In the realm of sweet things that can be bought with spare change, the Wal-mart donuts reign supreme.  They are also excellent tools for bribery and are to be used the opposite of the Starbuck cake pops in Target.  At Target, I let the kids eat a cake pop while I do my shopping as a way to keep them busy and sitting still in the cart. This technique is good, but not great, as before long they are holding only a stick and I'm still on the top of my list trying to get my phone battery back in because I dropped the whole damn thing while scanning underwear with the Cartwheel app.  At Wal-mart, the donuts are for the end, to be eaten on the way home, a treat to be deserved if you are being good as opposed to having been handed out preemptively in the blind, foolish hopes that all will go okay.

Have I mentioned that I loathe the amount of sugar my kids eat and will rant for days about how holidays are the worst since they are basically week long celebrations of candy?  But when I dole out the sugar on my own terms of negotiation, then it's a whole different story.  Besides, cake pops and donuts are made with EGGS, which are very healthy.  Jelly Beans are made with pure sugar, neuron altering artificial dyes, and the souls of small rabbits.  It's two different things.

Anyway, I bought the boys Wal-mart donuts for the first time about a month ago.  The three of us gleefully picked out our treats after filling up our cart with all sorts of wonderful things that you can only get at Wal-mart, such as three dollar pants and every Sheryl Crow CD except for that one.  You remember the one, that song, "Watch out sister, watch out brother, watch our children while they kill each other with a gun they bought at Wal-mart discount stores."  The mid nineties were huge for censorship.  I picked out the white frosted donut, Alex picked out the pink frosted donut, and Andy picked out the chocolate frosted donut.  Andy clutched that little bag all the way to the car, the prize for a shopping trip with only minimal yelling, where he then promptly dropped the whole donut bag into a sloppy muddy puddle.

Damn!  Donuts down!  I moved quickly and saved the donuts.  Luckily, the donuts themselves were fine and it was just the bag that suffered a little damage.  Little Alex didn't even notice what had happened and proceeded to eat a donut the only way he knows how (by licking off all the frosting and then pushing the rest at me and proclaiming "Here.  I'm done.")  Andy ate every last morsel of his delicious donut, only momentarily lamenting that they had been dropped.  And I shoved my own donut into my mouth so fast that I semi-permanently dislocated my jaw.  Totally worth it.  Still the best 54 cents I've spent to date.

It was a couple weeks later that we returned to Wal-mart, and as soon as I mentioned where we were going, Andy and Alex were both quick to yell out that they wanted donuts.  I agreed that we could get them as long as they were good, and so we loaded up with the finest items twenty dollars could buy and then headed to the donut case.  We picked out our selections (white, pink, and brown) and bagged them up.  "Don't forget!"  Andy called out as we headed to pay.  "Don't forget we have to drop these in a puddle so that they're extra good like last time!"

I'm so glad he reminded me out loud to do this instead of just taking it upon himself to chuck the whole bag into another puddle.  Things could have easily gone south.  Instead, I had to explain to him.  Last time, the donuts were so delicious DESPITE having been dropped into a puddle.  We got LUCKY that they were so delicious.  The having been dropped into a puddle part was not a key ingredient to the donut's fine taste.  Please, Andy.  Don't throw my donuts into a puddle if you can help it.

And so we got home, having just stuffed our faces with delicious 54 cent donuts.  Alex used the potty successfully and asked for one of his poo poo M&M's.  He's been asking for his poo poo M&M's, but I haven't given any to him here at the new house, having figured the move was a good reason to change a few things up sugar wise.  I explained that we don't have them anymore, and Alex asked if they were at the old house.  I can only believe he's imagining the new owner flushing down a mighty poo and then proudly chomping down a handful of Alex's old poo poo M&M's.  It's okay, Alex.  Let the new owner have your old M&M's.  We're headed to Target tomorrow, and I'm going to buy you a cake pop for no good reason other than my own lack of conviction and common sense.

But seriously, the Wal-mart donuts are delicious.  Step lightly around the puddles.

No comments:

Post a Comment